Last Friday was my first antenatal visit at Royal Hospital for Woman, Sydney. The midwife assisted me to answer many questions and saved in the hospital database. One of the question was about depression and indeed I have been annoyed with this quest til now.
I have an ex-friend. In my past, people who know me well around my last year in undergraduate and a few years after might know who is he (yeah, he is a male). He was a good one as a friend at the beginning but then the story begun. Somehow and somehow... such a sad story and more complicated as you thought, perhaps. It was complicated... more sadness than happiness, more falsehood than honesty but it was a strong relationship. In my view, he did pretty very very depend on me and I was too emphatic one. I helped him, I supported his study and much more. And I am soooo sorry that it was growing as a strong relationship. But later on, his threat, his strong voice, his accusation and something like that were really make me hurt. I forgave them one by one but later the wound, the hate, the sickness accumulated in my mind and at a time I can't forgive him anymore. Somehow... somehow... difficult but somehow... somehow... I was able to escape from him and tried to recover my feeling, my view, my heart, my self and my future. And I feel safe. Safe, truly.
I do aware that I couldn't forget my past at all. What I've been trying is completely aware what I want and what I've built. But, something could alive my past memory...
First, the site meter in my blog. Do you notice it? There is a statistic function in my blog for identifying how many people have visited my blog and more, it can identify their IP address and what page have been visited. Some times, I look at this function, and I recognise some silent readers who regularly visit my blog. Well, thank you... I appreciate your time... I like it... However, I recognise a reader who almost everyday visits my blog and reads my archives and looks back my archives and read again this post and that post... like never bored. Somewhat, I feel intimidated.... Arrgh... what happened with me? For me, what this reader done is too much and.... I am thinking many things that... unrealistic, perhaps... argh....
Second, the question in my first visit, I mentioned above. I forget what the sentence exactly but what I told you before about the site meter and the silent reader indicate that I am such in a depression. I know the position of this reader and the IP is somewhere down there and remembering me of the man, the man who hurt me, as I wrote in the second paragraph above. I am afraid the reader is him and I start describing another threatening and something like that. Argh... this is a very very non-sensed reason. I know, I am unrealistic. I know I am too much thinking bout uncertain fact. I know I know... but this feeling is real... and I want to recover... I want to not think and feel like this... please...
I didn't tell the midwife this story entirely though, I just told her that I have this bad thing and some emotionally unsupported experiences in my past... duuhh... ternyata aku complicated juga and from the score of the depression test, I am indicated as the one who needs assistance to recover my depression because it may bother my pregnancy progress. But I rejected it. I don't know... I think only me who can recover this. But, I still don't know... ga jelas gitu mo gimana, I'll try though. I won't easily give up because I have a lovely husband and an excellent baby in the future. They're my life today, tomorrow and forever. They will help me, I believe.
I have an ex-friend. In my past, people who know me well around my last year in undergraduate and a few years after might know who is he (yeah, he is a male). He was a good one as a friend at the beginning but then the story begun. Somehow and somehow... such a sad story and more complicated as you thought, perhaps. It was complicated... more sadness than happiness, more falsehood than honesty but it was a strong relationship. In my view, he did pretty very very depend on me and I was too emphatic one. I helped him, I supported his study and much more. And I am soooo sorry that it was growing as a strong relationship. But later on, his threat, his strong voice, his accusation and something like that were really make me hurt. I forgave them one by one but later the wound, the hate, the sickness accumulated in my mind and at a time I can't forgive him anymore. Somehow... somehow... difficult but somehow... somehow... I was able to escape from him and tried to recover my feeling, my view, my heart, my self and my future. And I feel safe. Safe, truly.
I do aware that I couldn't forget my past at all. What I've been trying is completely aware what I want and what I've built. But, something could alive my past memory...
First, the site meter in my blog. Do you notice it? There is a statistic function in my blog for identifying how many people have visited my blog and more, it can identify their IP address and what page have been visited. Some times, I look at this function, and I recognise some silent readers who regularly visit my blog. Well, thank you... I appreciate your time... I like it... However, I recognise a reader who almost everyday visits my blog and reads my archives and looks back my archives and read again this post and that post... like never bored. Somewhat, I feel intimidated.... Arrgh... what happened with me? For me, what this reader done is too much and.... I am thinking many things that... unrealistic, perhaps... argh....
Second, the question in my first visit, I mentioned above. I forget what the sentence exactly but what I told you before about the site meter and the silent reader indicate that I am such in a depression. I know the position of this reader and the IP is somewhere down there and remembering me of the man, the man who hurt me, as I wrote in the second paragraph above. I am afraid the reader is him and I start describing another threatening and something like that. Argh... this is a very very non-sensed reason. I know, I am unrealistic. I know I am too much thinking bout uncertain fact. I know I know... but this feeling is real... and I want to recover... I want to not think and feel like this... please...
I didn't tell the midwife this story entirely though, I just told her that I have this bad thing and some emotionally unsupported experiences in my past... duuhh... ternyata aku complicated juga and from the score of the depression test, I am indicated as the one who needs assistance to recover my depression because it may bother my pregnancy progress. But I rejected it. I don't know... I think only me who can recover this. But, I still don't know... ga jelas gitu mo gimana, I'll try though. I won't easily give up because I have a lovely husband and an excellent baby in the future. They're my life today, tomorrow and forever. They will help me, I believe.
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